Le Sigh

I realized my love life is long, ongoing bad joke.

Algernon

"Don't misunderstand me. Intelligence is one of the greatest human gifts. But all too often a search for knowledge drives out the search for love. This is something else I've discovered for myself very recently. I present it to you as a hypothesis: Intelligence without the ability to give and receive affection leads to mental and moral breakdown, to neurosis, and possibly even psychosis. And I say that the mind absorbed in and involved in itself as a self-centered end, to the exclusion of human relationships, can only lead to violence and pain." - Charlie Gordon, Flowers for Algernon

This paragraph made me pause for a good while - what an alarming thought. To be overcome by no other than by oneself... to spiral towards mental deterioration all due to the pursuit of mental gratification. A hint of irony there. I suppose what bewilders me most is how common this condition is, and how easy it is to fall into it. I'm ashamed to admit that I've denied myself of possibilities based on my own desires to excel intellectually... but to perceive these desires detrimental to my own well-being forces me to reevaluate what I consider priorities.

Argh

Stupid hormones.

The Planner in Me

I wish I wasn't always focused on the future and can learn how to enjoy the present. I find myself constantly wondering about what I'll be doing in the next moment and I'm sure it irritates a lot of people. Can't help it. Even in this state of grad school acceptance, on a solid path towards licensure, new macbook pro (and the end of PC problems), amazing family and friends... I sit in Starbucks contemplating how to make it even better. I'm content - but I struggle to accept this status. What is it that I'm missing out on in life? Is it in fact a personal life that I'm missing? I mean, I had spent so long doing the weekend warrior thing and the portfolio thing... did I miss out on the possibility of a relationship? Is my mom right? Is that the void that I feel right now? I'm struggling to understand this. The only thing I know how to do at the time is plan CIDP, ARE and finally get back into a good workout routine. Logically, it wouldn't make sense for me to get involved with anyone since I'll be gone in August... but I think I do miss that natural human intimacy - it feels insatiable.  

Hubris speaks.

Dear Dora,

It has come to the attention of the Department of Architecture at #%@! that your application has been denied on the grounds that we have inadequate facilities to meet your remarkably high standards. We are unworthy of your presence and simply cannot provide the appropriate academic opportunities you so wish to acquire. The faculty is intimidated by your sleek designs and innovative techniques, possessing the potential to redefine architecture as we speak. They are humbled before your cunning skill and beauty. Instead of admitting you as a student, we would like to go before AIA and propose they grant you an immediate license and waive any related fees/costs in your pursuit towards immortal greatness. In addition, we would like to write you a grant that will fund any future architectural endeavors. And a life time supply of caffeined beverages.

Thank you.

Your biggest fan,
Head of the department
D. Ouche Bag.

Grad School Results...

If I stare at my mailbox, it'll go faster won't it? At least one thing is for certain. GREs are f'ing over. Portfolio updates, papers, exams - not so much. Ideally, I would have liked to be gone by the beginning of May. In fact, I had even begun packing for mid-April before I received that letter of "advanced standing" grounding me until Fall. I should be jubilant but in a way, I'm a tad more bewildered and apprehended by the remote possibility of an unwanted confrontation. If anything, I want to avoid any news of that sort by being out of state, with a leg up on studying for the AREs, gaining ground on my career. You know, I want to be that woman that everyone wants to know, the one that doesn't seem to trip over herself and turn red during a presentation after stumbling over a few words... the one that doesn't go "OH CRAP" while unknowingly, her boss walks by.

Plan O

Based on these annual tuition costs so far, it looks like I may have to fall back on Plan O as well as Plan A... Plan O being 'wed filthy rich'.